At the time of writing this, the last episode, or act, of The Amazing Digital Circus (which I will shorthand to TADC henceforth) just released on YouTube. As a quick aside, I found that episode to be monumentous and a stunning showcase of Gooseworx's talents as an author. The show is an amazing character study, I feel, and I found myself attached to every major character within the show, especially with two that I will get into later that I understand if you would find that contentious.
That being said, I will be linking the first episode, and not the one I'm currently talking about or discussing. I feel this show is something that should be appreciated in full, especially with how compact it is, and to start from the end would end up being a disservice, I feel. Though, naturally, there will be spoilers for all topics mentioned as well.
Through several conversations I had with my girlfriend and a couple of friends did I find myself really thinking about this show did I end up really thinking about something that I felt the show was saying, even if it could have been on accident. A lesson on the effects of kindness. A phrase that stuck with me is, "Don't mistake my kindness as a weakness." It's a very empowering thing that I've kept with me for a long time, even if I haven't always practiced it. I genuinely feel like kindness is the best possible tool a person has, period. It forms connections, keeps them strong, and is how we as a species survive. But it's also not always in supply.
The two characters that hit me the hardest are Jax and Caine.
This is what I worry is contentious for some. Ultimately, these two characters, Jax both especially, and at the very least, are relatable for a lot of people. Jax went through what looked to me like a very realistic and difficult journey in being able to open up about themselves, and come to terms of who they are. While I myself am not trans, I can tell there's a lot for any trans person to connect to when it comes to Jax's story. And Caine, I feel, serves as an example of someone who's trying to craft the perfect "story," so to say, something that will ultimately please everyone, and being frustrated that his audience (or in this case, his participants) aren't satisfied. That he's entitled to their enjoyment, something that I felt was especially pushed in episode 8.
It's neither of these that made me connect with these characters, but instead, it was in seeing that these two are, truthfully, harmful. Not out of the narrative, in that they're influencing bad decisions in others, but that they're harmful within the story they're written. Jax is someone who treats the entire cast, without exception, like garbage. Any cursory glance at Gangle or Ragatha, I feel, would tell you about how verbally and emotionally abusive Jax is. "I'd move on and probably forget about you," as a reaction to being asked what Jax would do were the closest of the Digital Circus were to abstract (basically die), even if they didn't mean it, is such a chilling and hurtful response that I can't imagine most people I know would want to continue associating with Jax.
I appreciate that the final episode gave no time to Jax abstracting. I can't imagine it would have done much good, only taking away from the moment in episode 7 while also dramatacizing what we already knew what would happen from that moment onward. It wasn't as important that Jax abstracted as much as what that meant to others, as well as Jax's experiences within the circus. His time with Ribbit and Kaufmo, his fallout with Ribbit, the explanations with his behavior, in all of that, I feel the only thing necessary to learn about Jax's abstraction is that when or the what, but the why. And we learn everything about abstraction with Jax. Because I feel, personally, that he wanted to. He was trying to. He had pushed Ribbit into doing so, and this was him atoning. He learned that abstraction, the equivalent of death or indefinite madness in the circus is gained not randomly, or with time, but with isolation and depression. A sense of not belonging, not fitting in, even though you look and act just as ridiculous as everyone else in this circus tent.
All this preamble is me trying to explain that the reason Jax abstracted largely has to do with guilt. We see in this final episode that Jax is not heartless, they are not purely comedic. They have feelings on what would happen if anyone were to abstract (with exception to Pomni, a future he does not want to entertain for a moment), and they had friends in Ribbit, Kaufmo, Ragatha, presumably Kinger, all people that Jax would still have had to make an active attempt to connect with. But still, he chose to harm. Yes, he came from a place of terrible abuse, I won't deny that for him, the choice of harm might have felt like the only choice. But it wasn't. Not with Ribbit, not with Ragatha, not with Gangle, not with Pomni. There's a compilation of cruelty in Jax's memories, something that affirms to him that they shouldn't be loved, and I think to a lot of people, they're right. And it's hard to argue against them. The harm that Jax committed was chosen, each and every time, out of self-preservation over something that they surely would have been accepted over, HAD been accepted over by Ribbit, and yet, that hadn't mattered to them. Kindness, to Jax, is weakness. It's vulnerability. And vulnerability, to Jax, does not make a man.
Caine is someone I feel I could spend less time on, TADC really isn't about him. And yet, he's a very major player all the same, even in this final act of his. Caine's act of maturity at the end of the final episode is one I see so little of on this Earth that I feel I must be doing something wrong. Surely, I can do that as well, so why does it feel so rare to see someone commit harm repeatedly and admit the blame to themselves? Caine initially blamed his cast for the dark feelings in his heart, the rejection they had given them, but now accepts that he was responsible for not just the pain caused from the events in Episode 8, but in all the series. And yet, Caine returns to the circus, after learning the true nature of it, his programming, and his cast. And he reconnects with them. Personally, I feel like if we were to discuss who is more harmful between Jax and Caine, it's Caine, without question. I believe he had deeply traumatized everyone in the circus at some point, episode 8 alone should be enough to prove my point I feel. And yet, despite all the harm both of these characters have caused, apart or together, both of them are still accepted as part of the circus, despite Jax's abstracted state definitively making him harder to manage and communicate with.
I think, ultimately, what makes this ending sweet is not these two characters alone (though Caine alone is quite powerful), but rather, Pomni. Pomni had shown Jax an incredible amount of kindness, just after providing that for everyone else in the circus. And it's that moment, the moment where Pomni is giving a hug to Jax and explaining all the things Jax could have, and can still do, to help things, that reminded me of another powerful game I've experienced.
Undertale is one of the best, most impactful games I've ever played. Like TADC, it has such a strong cast of characters that I know will stick with me for the rest of my life, from the soft-hearted Toriel, to the hilarious brothers of Sans and Papyrus, and to the reluctant monster of Asgore. And, of course, there's you. Or Frisk, as the True Pacifist route reveals the main character to truly be. And yet, something I've noticed from Frisk, that makes them similar to Pomni in a way, is that assuming the True Pacifist route is the "true" ending, they always, always approach every situation with kindness, despite the amount of monsters trying to hurt them. Even with Undyne, who explicitly wants Frisk dead or destroyed, obviously for more than just to lower the barrier separating the monsters from outside the crater, Frisk approaches them with kindness. Just as Pomni did with Jax, Frisk gives kindness to those he doesn't have to.
It's in these games that I've learned, or relearned, that kindnesss isn't owed or mandated. Truthfully, you can be a jerk to whoever you want to be, and if that lifestyle suits you, maybe that is the one you should go for. But I personally see so much more reward in kindness than I do in any other lifestyle, and that's something I want to emulate more, and also wish I had done prior. I've treated a lot of people wrong, prioritized the wrong things in life, and there are so many apologies I wish I could give. For as much as I know I can't focus on the people who won't give me the time of day, personally, it sucks knowing that I have lost so many connections in my life through my own actions because I didn't realize this lesson sooner.
And yet, much like in the Underground and above it in Undertale, and much like the Digital Circus, the future moves on. Jax may be abstracted, but time has not stopped. Flowey/Asriel may be alone Underground, unable to truly atone for his actions, but time, still, has not stopped. The world does not care about our crimes (much as the internet would like for us to not believe, of course), and we march on regardless, finding justifications to keep going because going is all we have. This is a hard lesson, a hard pill to swallow, because community is also how we survive. But I, myself, also need how to live on being on my own, without so many connections. It was never about the amount of friends I made, but the quality of the friendships I still have that makes it all worth living.
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